Can you hope and worry at the same time?

Christmas 2013 - Waiting for Santa

Dear friends and family,

We had an absolutely wonderful Christmas holiday.  The girls were spoiled with gifts from Santa and family beyond words.  We enjoyed some fun sleepovers at Grandma and Papa's house (a first for us), and we spent nearly a week with Nonna and Papa and all of our other wonderful family in NY.  I wish we could bottle the holiday spirit and drink it all year long.  I still haven't taken down my Christmas tree...and I am one of those people who is desperate to take it down on 12/26.  This year the holidays seemed too short as did the 3 month reprieve we received at our last eye doctor visit in November.  So, around mid-December I could see some redness in Lucianna's left eye, but only intermittently.  It isn't uncommon for anyone to have red eyes this time of year with how dry it is outside (and inside).  Then after Christmas she started telling me that her eyes hurt.  We were in NY...miles from her doctor.  We decided that if she complained again the next day, we would contact a local ophthalmologist.  She didn't complain.  She complained again on New Years Eve and knowing that the next day was a holiday, we had to just wait.  I hate the waiting.  So on 1/2, I called Hopkins and she has an appointment this Monday.

Granted the worrying is not good for me.  Granted the what-if's are bridges we shouldn't cross until we get to them, but I am her mother.  This sweet, funny, happy kid should not have an illness that could rob her of her eyesight.  It's just not fair.  As her mother, I can't help but worry.  It is normal, human and expected.  If I don't worry, what the hell would I do with all this time on my hands?  (lol)

As I sit here and wait for Monday to come...it feels like months away.  It can't come fast enough.  How many more times are we going to have bumps in the road?  A mom on the private Facebook Uveitis group that I am part of said that her son is 12 years old, diagnosed at 2 years old and just had his first FULL year of quiet eyes.   Sure, I was so happy for her, but I was a bit deflated at the same time. She waited 10 years for that??? Do I have what it takes to do this for 10 years?  Damn right I do!  (But boy am I going to need all the help I can get!)

So, while I worry, I will cross all my fingers and toes.  I will dance the "clear-eye dance" and when all else fails, I will hope.

Much love,

Lucianna's proud and admittedly worriful Mama. 

"Once you choose hope, anything's possible."  - Christopher Reeve